Sunday, February 15, 2009

A Gift From My Mother

Today is my mother's birthday. I have been aching all day. I miss her so incredibly much.
Today I wore a necklace that she bought me. She bought it on a shopping trip that is very representative of a typical outing with her, especially after I moved away from home. We walked into a Brighton store and she told me to pick something nice out that I liked, she wanted to get something for me. I've had a love for Brighton jewelry ever since.
My mother was an incredible person. She always knew the right thing to do and I could always choose my path based on her advice. She was always right.... every time. She had such a since of right and wrong. She knew to be kind and to always take the high road.
She was an amazing mother. She always put Karen and me before her. Everything she did was for us. She gave us so much, not just things, but lessons, morals, values. I know I am who I am today because of her. And just because she is physically gone does not mean that she won't keep shaping me. It's hard not to have her to talk to, especially when I need advice, but I can always think about what the right thing to do would be, and I know that would be her answer.
She and I were so close. I am so greatful that fate put me back in the Carolinas when she needed me most. I moved back in with my parents (even if it was only for 3 months) during the time that she was diagnosed with Luekemia. I was there for about 2 months before she found out. It was a devastating blow to us all. We couldn't believe it. She was the heart of our family. She was so strong. No one could have expected her to fight for as long as she did. 3 years of suffering, not giving up so that she could see to it that her family was taken care of.  She was never scared of dying, only that she was leaving her family behind. The only time I really ever saw this flash over her eyes was during the "January Scare" as we call it.  We were told that she had less than a day and so our whole family came to see her.  Once when a nurse left the room with bad news, she looked at me with almost panic in her eyes and asked "Mary Beth, am I dying?"  I will never forget this moment.  I didn't know what to say, and honestly, I don't know what I did say.  It was almost an out-of-body experience.  She told me that she was sorry that she wasn't going to be there to meet my children.  I wasn't about to let her go down that road.  I told her that I knew better, she would be there for everything, and not only that, but that she would be able to see it all, I wouldn't be able to hide anything from her.  We laughed.  I miss laughing with her.  I would give up so much just to have her back.  But I know that it's not meant to be.  God has her now, and I couldn't ask for anything better than that for her.
I can only hope to be half the woman that she was.

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